In the past, I have not often kept much record of the various happenings of my life, much less have I left any evidence of my thoughts and feelings, and how they've evolved over the years. Being reminded, tonight, of the fact that I had started this blog was very much of a blessing, in being able to observe, in retrospect, my mindset directly prior to some seriously influencial things that have happened in my very recent history. The first entry I made in this blog revolved around the natural unreliability of people, and the general lack of solid morality among society as a whole. I can now confidently update this observation by stating the error in that argument. The error lies, not in that general theme, but in that I have for a long time excluded myself from that generalization. I held the opinion, until recently, that everyone is born with reason, and most other people choose not to use it. I have been shown, now, that the more accurate truth is that everyone is born with evil, and most people, including myself, have chosen not to do anything about it.
In failing to recognize myself as being willingly afflicted with the same flaw as the population I have grown so fond of criticzing, I managed to place a vain faith in my own standards, my own righteousness, and my own prevailing ability.
As it seems, I was let down, at that point, by the error consistent with the people around me. Since that time, I have been equally let down by my faith in myself, and my own calculations of what is "good" and "evil". My own apparent truths have failed me even more dramatically than the hypocrysies of the world around me.
So then it came to no hope in people and no hope in the strength of oneself. And since I've never been one to apply myself to hope for hopes sake, that came to mean no hope at all.
And, oh, if I have ever been so perfectly wrong about something, was I wrong about that. What a brilliant scheme, a perfectly executed attack plan, that I have been drawn to seek such a standard for "good," for so long. That I have been able to observe the depths of the shortcomings of every perceived answer but the right one. That I could be carried safely through every increasing level of dissapointment, to finally reach a perfect enough despair that, knowing no acceptable truth could be reached by worldly means, I would finally throw down my arms and plead to what I thought could be the emtpy air, for a solution to the impossibility of existence.
And to have that answer handed over, for no effort of my own. So subtly, but so undeniably. And with such swiftness and precision.
No hope at all? No, no. Hope is real, and in no short supply. It is by perfect Love, and endless grace, that hope is real.

I have been further and further alienating myself, socially, from the majority population of people in any and all different places I find myself drifting to for the last couple of years. One might suggest that this is unhealthy behavior, but I think, at this point, I can conclusively say that as true as that may be, it is only a lesser evil than what has reared its head recently as a more personally damaging social practice- trying not to distance myself.
What I mean is that cornering myself into a self righteous uncompromising blind walk toward the things I want without regard for the persisting dissapointment that is the human condition has in a way gaurded me from being further shocked by the ugliness of peoples behavior. And amazingly enough, said shocking ugliness seems to have no limits on the new heights it reaches.
Its trying to put aside my blunt resentment toward the widespread lack of virtue about society that allows me to be bested by the depressing fact that people, in general, have absolutely no reasonable ethical standards for themselves at all.
On a lighter note, Devin got a DUI on saturday night/sunday morning and Clarissa and I ended up sitting outside McDonalds in bumfuck rising sun KKK town Maryland for an hour in the rain waiting for a ride home.
I feel slightly stupid recently, but I will continue to have enough resolve for everyone. My spirit will not be broken.
I am optimistic.

Spring is going to kick some serious ass this year.

So, I finally gave in, and applied for unemployment. I was, until a couple of days ago, unaware that It would take ten minutes, and I could do it online. I've also always been somewhat opposed to the whole idea of collecting money for not doing anything, but i suppose I've been paying into it in some way for quite a few years now. It does seem a whole lot like cheating, though. I got a call from them yesterday, they needed to ask me some questions because apparently I've garnished wages from four different states in the last eighteen months. The fellow on the phone actually sounded confused as to how that was possible when he was reading that off his computer screen. He also told me, though, that Im eligable for around $350 a week from the state of maryland, pending a phone interview to be scheduled in the near future regarding the fact that I was more than candid about having beinf fired from my last job for a questionably drug-related issue. If it does end up going through to give me north of 300 dollars a week, i mkay put my job search on hold temporarilly and continue doing off the books construction work. The company I've been working for has been slowing down on having availability of hours for me the last couple of weeks though. We were builing a new entrance on a yacht club/restaurant in the design of a three story lighthouse. Very cool project, actually, last week we took the third story, which we put together off site, and lifted it with a crane to the top of the structure and bolted the floor down. The company owner is like 75 years old, and an excellent architect and engineer. Very smart guy.
In other news, my best friend got kicked out of where he was living and just drove straight through the night from florida and should be here within the hour. I haven't seen him in over three years, and am looking foward to the two of us tearing this backwards ass fucking town a new one. Aside from that, he has a car, which should make it a whole lot easier for me to take care of some of the things I need to get done before I start applying to more serious mechanical jobs again. The plan is to spend the next few months getting some things in order in preperation for a long overdue trip to Europe.
Very good times are coming, I can feel it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was one of the doctors on Scrubs.
Weeird.